The Sword Witch

By tercio

> be Isabella the sword witch

> I specialize in using swords as magical foci

> special wands, basically

> as appropriate for my specialization I'm relatively tall for a witch with a lithe, athletic frame

> my height never bothered me much but now that I'm on the cusp of becoming a Christmas cake...

> and I can't even boast that I'm the tallest in the coven anymore!

> Suzy recently grew a foot or two and now she's even taller than I am

> same time she grew those ridiculous cow udder AA's

> it's like she's mocking me

> always (literally) looking down on me and giving me innocent smiles

> it's so infuriating!

> but... she has been acting even nicer than usual since then

> she always seems to know when I'm upset and tries to cheer me up

> I've been getting a lot of hugs lately

> it's kind of like having a big sister

> or a Mommy...

> I'm not crying

> even if I do miss my Mommy and Daddy a lot...

> I didn't leave on the best terms

> Mommy wanted me to stay with her tiny rural coven but I wanted to work directly under a Baph

> I was so convinced that I'd find a big brother in no time

> but my 25th birthday is coming up and I'm still alone

> I'm so lonely

> but I can't bear the thought of going back home an old maid

> it's times like this I come to the hanging garden to brood all by myself

> wait

> is that a grappling hook?!

> peer out the window and see a strange, pudgy man scaling the trellis facing the street

> yeah, this is what the law calls "Burglary"

> odd that he'd try it in the middle of the day, in the monster section of town, at the residence of one of the most powerful monsters in the region

> guess criminals are stupid

> give him a baleful look

> he notices but doesn't even have the decency to look chagrined

"Oh, hello there little witch. Don't mind me. I, the strongest, am just sneaking into the home of the strongest monster in order to defeat her and claim the strongest womb for myself."

> his voice sounds just like the way you'd imagine the speech of a bombastic hero from an old pulp novel with an oil painting of muscular Aryan man with a ray gun or a barbarian sword as a cover

> he really belts it out theatrically every time he says the strongest

> so, not a criminal then

> just a lunatic

> keep up the baleful look and draw my belt knife

> give him a moment to realize what I'm about to do

> cut the rope just as his eyes start widening

> ignore the crash and cursing from below as I start moving about the compound casting anti entry spells on all the doors and windows

> the next day the doorbell rings when I'm on guard duty (My usual assignment)


> I rest my chin in my hands and marvel at what the surveillance crystal ball shows

> a pudgy man in a cheap shark costume is at the front door

> he has made no effort to disguise his voice

> I'll give him credit for persistence at least

> casually press the button activating the trapdoor

> he's dressed like a shark

> maybe he'll enjoy getting proactively dated by one of the sharks in the moat

> next day

> I have no idea how he got out of the moat without a sharkgirl claiming him

"New lamps for old! New lamps for old!"

> that doesn't even make sense in this context

> kind of impressed at the authenticity of his medieval Uyghur merchant costume though

> I can reward effort with effort

> make a phone call

> one magical teleport later and I have a tarnished old brass oil lamp, just begging for a good rubbing

> three guesses what happens then, and the first two don't count

> cheerfully trade the obviously trapped new lamp the man offers me for the old lamp

> toss the trapped lamp into the "Dangerous Magic" disposal bin, laughing at how excited that genie was to have a crack at a man who knew the original story so well

> I'm starting to not be surprised that he's still single the next day

> it's a wooden horse this time

> an actual, literal, giant wooden horse

> does he think I'm retarded?

> there's a crudely handwritten note attached reading "FOR BAPH SAMA <3"

> and yes, he actually spelled out the heart with a less than sign and the number three

> I snap my fingers and the wooden horse is engulfed in magical fire

> it will burn wood and clothes but not living things

> I'm kind of impressed

> he realizes what's happening and manages to escape before the flames reach him and burn him down to his nudie patooties

> two weeks

> two entire weeks of this

> each day a more comically ridiculous scheme than the last one

> I was starting to get exhausted

> fortunately Baph-sama gave me the day off and I was able to sleep in

> wake up refreshed and wander around the compound wondering where everybody is

> even the single girls who live in the compound aren't in the living areas

> go to get breakfast and see the note in Baph-sama's terrible handwriting on the table

> "Everything's OK, but get ready for a serious fight and come to the courtyard. You've been formally challenged."

> what the?

> run back to my room and get even more strapped than usual

> then creep toward the courtyard in trepidation

> practically jump out of my skin when a Cheshire cat appears

< "The rules are: If you fight without magic I won't interfere. If you use magic that's fine, but I'll put my thumb on the scale just enough to make it fair."

> then, without further explanation she fades away until she's just a grin

< "And please don't tell him I did anything. He's always been so determined to do things for himself, even when he was little."

> the smile vanishes with a pop and I'm alone

> starting to get extremely freaked out

> have to shield my eyes from the sunlight for a moment as I step into the courtyard

> everyone associated with the coven is seated at cafe tables that I'm certain I've never seen before

> they're snacking and pleasantly chatting with a gaggle of Wonderlanders

> the usual plaza / garden has been replaced with a stone circle filled with sand

> and striding around impatiently in the center is Mr. Pudgy

> he sees me, pulls out a freaking claymore and points the tip at me in challenge

"Witch! I see now that you were the true strongest! I see that your twisted machinations to lay me low time and time again had but one purpose: to claim the strongest D for yourself! So be it! I accept your trial!"

> I just goggle at him for a moment, flabbergasted

> out of the corner of my eye I can see Baph-sama broadly winking and giving me a thumbs up

> then he takes off the training weights

> see, what I thought was pudge was a weighted outer coat

> judging by the thud and cloud of dust when he drops it, I can hardly believe he could walk let alone get up to the shenanigans he managed

> and his build...

> he isn't a slim, bodybuilding mesomorph type

> he looks like a mountain man who wrestles bears for fun

"Now you shall be crushed by the weight of my true power! Have at thee!"

> no time for lewd thoughts, he's coming right for me

> his sword is completely inappropriate for dueling and he has zero technique

> but it doesn't really matter when he can swing it around like a maniac wielding a willow switch

> I curse internally as I reflexively channel magic to prevent my rapier from shattering from the first impact

> no idea what the Cheshire is going to do to balance things out and I don't want to find out

> gamble and decide to try to win quick with an explosive effort

> with a word I release my rapier and it continues to fight independently

> summon a buster sword and ride it like an airborne surf board

> circle around him trying to get into a flanking position as I summon a whirling circle of assorted demon silver swords from my bag of holding

> launch the maelstrom of metal at him with a final word of command

> he knocks half of them aside with an (obviously magical) gust of wind generated by a powerful backhand slash with the flat of his blade

> dodges the rest

> dear God, how fast is he?! I don't even think that part was magical!

> frantically try to summon another sword before he can close the distance

> my fingers are just barely curling around the hilt of a gladius as he leaps at me

> too late

> I see stars as he slashes through me with one mighty blow

> the demon silver drains my mana to nothing in an instant

> I slump to the ground, paralyzed and impossibly horny, before passing out

> wake up back in my "single witch's" room back in the compound

> but wait, this room is bigger than mine

> all of my stuff is here but it doesn't really fill the larger space

> even my bedsheets look the same (pastel blue with cute little witches riding brooms), but the bed is bigger

> like a married couples bed...

> did... did I just get married?!

> my thoughts are interrupted by muffled voices at the door

< "She's awake!" "Yay!" "Let's play! Let's play!"

> the door bursts open revealing a smug looking teen aged Cheshire cat and three Cheshire kittens

> the kittens charge and tackle me, screaming about "playing!" and "new Sister!"

> I just sort of sit there in shock as the kittens crawl all over me, pulling, tugging, hugging, wrestling...

> the teenager smirks at me

< "Come on. Breakfast is ready."

> I numbly get out of bed

> the kittens clamp onto me

< "Training weight mode on!" "Discover your maximum potential!" "Find your true power!"

> moving slower than normal due to the added weight I follow the teen Cheshire to a cozy kitchen with a huge, well used wooden table

> I recognize the Wonderlanders from yesterday

> an older Cheshire, the one who spoke to me before the fight

> a man of the same age who I assume to be her husband

> a smug Mad Hatter sipping tea while fondling the thigh of the young man I sure hope is her husband

> a ditzy looking march hare sitting on the lap of another young man and making lovey dovey noises

> the teenage Cheshire who woke me up grabs a seat and sits down

> and fiddling around over the stove is the man who finally managed to utterly defeat me

> the kittens detach from me and run to him

< "Explode with the power of youth!" "Now is the time to show your true power!" "B-bakana!"

> he stops what he's doing to give every one of them a hug before helping them get situated in booster seats

> he notices that I'm just standing there awkwardly and sweeps me into a princess carry before depositing me in a chair and giving me a head pat

"Do you want bacon and eggs? Pancakes? Fruit and oatmeal?"

> I manage to stammer my choice and he returns to the stove like this is just another morning

> the mad hatter winks and leans over to conspiratorially whisper to me

< "Don't worry, you didn't forget your wedding night. Your Oblivious Knight slept on the couch. You could still even turn him down if you want."

> she raises her voice to normal volume

< "Of course we expanded the local area for you. You just have to decide what kind of house you two want. I recommend a mushroom house of course. I think it goes well with the whole 'witch' thing you've got going on."

< "A cozy bunny hole would be nice too!"

< "No! She wants Sword House!" "Super Sword Castle!" "With a big witch tower with lots of big spikys on it!"

> my ostensible husband served me my breakfast and gave me a chaste hug

"Take your time. You don't have to decide anything yet. I would kind of like to stay close to the rest of the family though..."

> starting to feel a little overwhelmed but manage to ask if I can visit my parents first?

> to maybe... maybe show off my new husband?

> the Cheshire mother (my Cheshire mother in law!) gives me a genuine smile

< "Oh sweetie. I'll put in the request for a portal immediately. You can visit them every day now if you want."

> I survey the crowded dinner table

> everyone is talking and joking

> the old wood of the table is covered in scratches and stains from countless family meals

> their father is carefully swabbing the syrup sticky faces and paws of the kittens with a wet towel

> the bunny girl is babbling about something to her husband and massaging her belly (is it ever so slightly swollen?)

> the mad hatter and her husband are arguing some arcane point of a logical puzzle

> the teen Cheshire is intently poring over a book entitled "The Plane Scene"

> I shyly cast a sideways glance at my husband

> he smiles at me like the corn-fed hero of a wholesome old adventure novel

> being the son of a Cheshire definitely explains all of the weird plans referencing fiction

> I dare to give him a little hug and rest my head on his shoulder

> I have the impression that my life is about to get a little crazy

> but it definitely won't be lonely anymore

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Good work! It's been a while since I enjoyed a greentext this much